| fcking emo!
i don't know. i just don't know. i can't keep answering to myself anymore. i know i am to blame for everything, but hell, you sure did have a part on this right?! two fcking days before new year... two fcking days from me wishing to have a NEW year.. but from what i'm seeing right now, it seems like the new year would still be the same old tiring one. same old tears, same old fears..
i love you.
now that's easy.
now try saying that to me infront of everyone else.. come on, you can do it..
fck. why can't we be together? why can't you be mine? why, why can't you do this for me? why say i love you when, when you can't even be with me?
happy new year y'all!
>> crazyfckinggedik. | comments: Leave a comment   |
| you were right.. the more we are together, the more i couldn't bear to let you go. it grew on me, you grew on me. and i used to think that i would always feel the same: the same way i felt the first time i told you i love you.. but now it's different.
i thought that all the tears i have would eventually dry up. instead you kissed them all away. not in a gentle manner of course, but still. the fears i had, the troubles that bother me every single night.. thank you, and i feel the same way too. but i guess you already know that.
i must say, you really love making fun of me.. treating me like a 7 year old begging not to be made fun of.
=================================================
i cannot promise very much. i give you the images i know. we laugh and we touch. i promise you love. time will not take away that.. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| haha... nakakaaliw!!
(95) Things I Have Lived Through
Put numbers instead of x's (1, 2, 3, 4...).
[1] I have read a lot of books.
[2] I have been on some sort of varsity team.
[ ] I have run more than 2 miles without stopping.
[3] I have been to Canada.
[ ] I have been to Europe.
[4] I have watched cartoons for hours.
[ ] I have tripped UP the stairs.
[ ] I have fallen down an entire flight of stairs.
[ ] I have been snowboarding/skiing.
[5] I have played ping pong.
[6] I swam in the ocean.
[7] I have been on a whale watch.
[8] I have seen fireworks.
[9] I have seen a shooting star.
[ ] I have seen a meteor shower.
[10] I have almost drowned.
[11] I have been so embarrassed I wanted to disappear.
[12] I have listened to one CD over and over and over again.
[ ] I have had stitches.
[ ] I have had frostbite.
[ ] I have licked a frozen pole and got stuck there.
[13] I have stayed up til 2 (and beyond) doing homework/projects.
[14] I have been ice skating.
[15] I have been rollerblading.
[ ] I have fallen flat on my face. (Hence scars on my forehead.)
[16] I have tripped over my own two feet.
[ ] I have been in a fist fight.
[17] I have played videogames for more than 3 hours straight.
[18] I have watched the Power Rangers.
[19] I attend Church regularly.
[20] I have played truth or dare.
[21] I have already had my 16th birthday.
[22] I have already had my 17th birthday.
[23] I've called someone stupid.
[24] I've been in a verbal argument.
[25] I've cried in school.
[26] I've played basketball on a team.
[ ] I've played baseball on a team.
[ ] I've played football on a team.
[27] I've played soccer on a team.
[28] I've done cheerleading on a team.
[ ] I've played softball on a team.
[29] I've played volleyball on a team.
[ ] I've played tennis on a team.
[ ] I've been on a track or cross country team.
[30] I've been swimming more than 20 times in my life.
[ ] I've bungee jumped.
[ ] I've climbed a rock wall.
[31] I've lost more than $20. (Or Php1000.)
[32] I've called myself an idiot.
[33] I've called someone else an idiot.
[34] I've cried myself to sleep.
[35] I've had (or have) pets.
[36] I've owned a Spice Girls CD/cassette.
[ ] I've owned a Britney Spears CD.
[ ] I've owned an N*Sync CD.
[ ] I've owned a Backstreet Boys CD.
[ ] I've mooned someone.
[ ] I have sworn/yelled at someone of authority before.
[ ] I've been in the newspaper.
[ ] I've been on TV.
[ ] I've been to Hawaii.
[37] I've eaten sushi.
[38] I've been on the other side of a waterfall.
[ ] I've watched all of the Lord of the Rings movies.
[39] I've watched all the Harry Potter movies.
[ ] I've watched all of the Rocky movies.
[ ] I've watched the 3 stooges.
[40] I've watched "Newlyweds" Nick & Jessica.
[41] I've watched Looney Tunes.
[42] I've been stuffed into a locker/I have stuffed others into lockers.
[ ] I've been called a geek.
[43] I've studied hard for a test and got a bad grade.
[44] I've not studied at all for a test and aced it.
[ ] I've hugged my mom within the past 24 hrs.
[ ] I've hugged my dad within the past 24 hours.
[45] I've met a celebrity/music artist.
[46] I've written poetry.
[ ] I've been arrested.
[47] I've been attracted to someone much older than me.
[48] I've been tickled till I've cried.
[49] I've tickled someone else until they cried.
[50] I've had/have siblings.
[51] I've been to a rock concert.
[52] I've listened to classical music and enjoyed it.
[53] I've been in a play.
[ ] I've been picked last in gym class.
[ ] I've been picked first in gym class.
[54] I've been picked in that middle-range in gym class.
[55] I've cried in front of my friends.
[ ] I've read a book longer than 1,000 pages.
[ ] I've played Halo 2.
[56] I've freaked out over a sports game.
[ ] I've been to Alaska.
[ ] I've been to China.
[ ] I've been to Spain.
[57] I've been to Japan.
[58] I've had a fight with someone on AIM/MSN.
[59] I've had a fight with someone face-to-face.
[60] I've had serious conversations on any IM.
[61] I've forgiven someone who has done something wrong to me.
[62] I've been forgiven.
[63] I've screamed at a scary movie.
[64] I've cried at a chick flick.
[65] I've watched a lot of action movies.
[66] I've screamed at the top of my lungs.
[ ] I've been to a rap concert.
[ ] I've been to a hip hop concert.
[67] I've lived in more than 2 houses.
[68] I've driven on the highway/been on the highway.
[69] I've driven more than 40 miles in a day/been in a car that went more than 40 miles in a day.
[70] I've been in a car accident.
[ ] I've done drugs.
[71] I've been homesick.
[72] I've thrown up.
[ ] I've puked on someone.
[73] I've gone horseback riding.
[ ] I've filled out more than 10 MySpace/LJ surveys.
[74] I've spoken my mind in public.
[75] I've proven someone wrong.
[76] I've been proven wrong by someone.
[ ] I've broken a leg.
[ ] I've broken an arm.
[77] I've fallen off a swing.
[ ] I've swung on a swing for more than 30 minutes straight
[ ] I've watched Winnie the Pooh movies.
[78] I've forgotten my backpack when I've gone to school.
[79] I've lost my backpack.
[ ] I've come close to dying.
[80] I've seen someone die.
[81] I've known someone who has died.
[82] I've wanted to be an actor/actress at some point.
[ ] I've done modeling.
[83] I've forgotten to brush my teeth some mornings.
[84] I've taken something/someone for granted.
[85] I've realized how good my life is.
[86] I've counted my blessings.
[87] I've made fun of a classmate.
[88] I've been asked out by someone and I said no.
[ ] I've slapped someone in the face.
[ ] I've been skateboarding.
[89] I've been backstabbed by someone I thought was a friend.
[90] I've lied to someone to their face.
[91] I've told a little white lie.
[92] I've taken a day off from school just so I don't go insane.
[ ] I've fainted.
[ ] I've had an argument with someone about whether cheerleading is a sport or not.
[93] I've pushed someone into a pool.
[94] I've been pushed into a pool.
[95] I've been/am in love. -haha.. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| let me write this down, coz you're breaking me, tearing me apart, everyday, i just can't tell you for the fear that it might drive you away.
==========
i hope you're not blind..
so even if i'm hurt when i see you two together, you still get to see that there's only you in my life.
i hope you're not deaf..
so even if you don't hear me crying, you still get to hear how much i love you.
i hope you're not numb..
so even if you can't feel the pain i'm goin through, you still get to feel my hugs and my kisses.
i hope you're not all these.. coz i'm madly in love with you.
==========
i truly am. i'm goin through this hell everyday just to survive another day and be with you. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| ..you are what's wrong with me... but you're also what's right, and what makes me feel complete and incomplete at the same time.
that's what you do to me. you make me go insane. feeling things things i'm not supposed to feel. supressing emotions i am supposed to show. accepting things that shouldn't be, being blind and forgetting everything i know.
i am a jealous person. i know that. i feel that. and i hate it. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| 'Cause when there's you, I feel whole
And there's no better feeling in the world
But without you I'm alone
And I'd rather be in love with you
Turn out the lights now
To see is to believe
I just want you near me
I just want you here with me
And I'd give up everything only for you
It's the least that I could do
i cried for three hours just for you. i hated you so much that i had to forget having puffy eyes in the morning, and just cried till i fell asleep.
i know you hate it when i say that it's my fault these all happened. it really is. i just don't know where to place myself i guess. we both wanted it, but i couldn't act upon it. scared that people might notice. if we were on a different situation i would have been proud to do it. but we're not, and i just don't know how i can be when you're around.
i want you.
how many times do you have to hear that? i know, me wanting you wouldn't make things easier for us. and saying it wouldn't really make things happen not unless we make it happen.
but you asking me to forget about everything is unfair. we both know we couldn't. and then we start hating each other more. is this the best we can do, just to forget about each other, and everything between us? NOT THE BEST SOLUTION coming from you. and i am not accepting it.
i still want you. and i don't want to get over the feeling of wanting you. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| .. that night i've decided to make the sacrifice: ask for us not to talk. if it was the only solution we have, if it would make things better, if it would give us peace. as much as it would be hard for me, i knew that soon it would be me who's gonna cry anyways, so why not make it sooner, right?
i was ready to give up. but i got the feeling that i was not permitted to. yes, it would have to be the both of us to deal with this fcking issue. no, i don't wanna sound like it's a one sided issue; i just thought that the decision was better for the both of us. consequences will affect us both, but i am being selfish here, so the heartache's all mine. ALL MINE. i've got reasons, all are well accepted.. by me of course.
funny.. coz now i'm just dealing with being afraid: afraid to make the next move. had i known this would happen, i would have laughed so hard that i'd cry. i would have cherished that, and appreciate the fact that i can laugh about it, coz i can't do it now.
===============================================================
smiles and tears... just for you. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| last night was different. i know i was that stupid. i'm glad that you took my word for it. if i wanted to hear those words only to flatter myself, saying it to myself would be enough. but it didn't. they didn't. over and over again i've told you: i am THAT stupid, and reading between the lines were never my forte, as i've been told that i am insensitive once, and i just had to accept it.
so there, you finally say it straight to my face. well not technically, but the words were all there. did it have any effect on my ego? naah. but it sure did make me smile, as i was almost crying coz i couldn't bear what i was about to say next.
(to be continued...) | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| it was finally revealed. and god i wish i never asked for it.
she was wrong.
i was able to handle it. i didn't laugh, like the way she expected me to. i was quite serious about it, coz i know it will affect our relationship. and i thought i handled it well.
i actually did.
but it was her who didn't; in some sort of freakish way.. it ended up with me losing. well i did feel like i lost!
then again, things today are quite... i dunno. mixed emotions huh, it's exactly what i'm having right now
I JUST WISH THINGS WERE BACK TO NORMAL.. THE WAY WE WERE BEFORE. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| weird.
i've been working for this company for what, 2 months now... luckily i've met a few dozen people, and gained a number of friends..
BUT YOU ARE DIFFERENT.
not so different for me, but different when compared to others. certainly i've met a few before, who were just like you. maybe that's what makes you different from the people i met here. considering that i knew about this the first time we met. freaky huh? well it's sad for me, just so you know. coz the feelings i've been avoiding for the longest time.. the feelings that kept coming back to me over and over again.. the feelings that i wish i could never had.. and the feelings i thought i've forgotten.. THEY ALL CAME BACK.
was i wrong to say no and turn away from it all? yet i thought it was the best decision i've ever made.
so i told you everything. well not everything, but i'm pretty sure you got the rest of it. i'm happy that i did. it made me feel more comfortable i guess. but it also made me doubt myself.
was i really telling you the whole truth? or did i only tell you the things i wanted you to hear? things that I WANTED TO HEAR..
now i'm not really sure.
i just wish i never thought about it the day i first met you. i wish i never told her about you. coz you asking me all these questions, made me think of things i never wanted to deal with in the first place.
we're still friends, aren't we?
======================================================================================
i lost myself, the day that i found you; but now i found me, i lost you.. | | comments: 7 comments or Leave a comment |
| i've been off for quite a few days now. haven't talked to that much friends, aside from the people i work with of course. i dunno what's up with me, maybe it's one of those, i just wanna do this and please don't question me why things.. i hate the feeling.
it's amazing that people can tell me what i want and be right about it. i know it should be freaky.. well it is, but i'm having more fun thinking that i should be the one knowing it, not them. it's not that i don't wanna admit it, it's just that maybe i forgot, lol. and there's this other girl who can understand what i'm saying (and not saying) even if i don't elaborate.. now that's scary! as much as i'd hate to admit it, she's got most of them right.
it seems that i don't wanna write anymore. maybe it's just a phase.. or laziness.. or whatever. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| if i ask you to try,
and teach me how to fly..
on my own
will you teach me?
if i ask you to see,
while i'm flying so free..
on my own
will you see me cry?
if i ask you to know,
why i'm feeling so low..
on my own
will you help me believe?
if i ask you to grieve,
while you're making me leave..
on my own
will i see your sorrow?
=================================================
been writing this for quite sometime now, it actually made no sense to me at all when i wrote the first few lines. the important things is, i had fun doing this, coz of the pattern i used. it may not be obvious, but it sure is rhyming!
non sense.. just pure non sense.
what a day. what a day to start the week: came in late at work. had lunch in time BUT went back to the office late, waaay too late. beat that! then again, the important thing is, i had fun. and the boss wasn't here when we came back(second most important), lol.
and that's where my story ends. -nuff sed- | | comments: Leave a comment |
| .. hurts like, like you wanna cry and scream and get mad at everything and anything that comes right in front of you.
so the truth finally got me. the thing that i've denied for the longest time came right at my face and there was no turning back. the only thing i could say was "ok, so i believe you this time.." but deep inside me i was screaming like hell. but of course i could never let it out. it was too complicated. i am complicating it. coz i wasn't supposed to be affected like this in the first place. or again, i may be in denial for reasons i don't wanna think about.
times like this make me wonder on why i don't wanna be with someone. do i really wanna be alone? will i be happy just like everyone else? why is it that the people i like, are always happy with someone else? am i being too dramatic over here?!
naah.
i'm just being the same old andie who's always thinking about things i shouldn't think of. i'm happy being single. i really am. but there are times that i just couldn't avoid thinking that it would be better if i was with this person, or that other person, or the other one.. i mean, who doesn't think that way huh?! but this time, i am not, and will not say that that person will be more happy being with me. coz i know that it's not true. what we have right now, is all we'll ever have probably for the rest of our lives. and i should be thankful for that! but i already am thankful.
just bitter.
but i'll get over this. i always have. | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| haha. yesterday, the English Policy was launched and i feel so unfortunate to be in this office right now. well, unfortunate to be in the morning shift i guess. it was so freakin ugly that almost everyone i knew would sneak up to each other just to talk. so much for paying the fine, but you also get to wear 'dunce' hats, as to what tonet would refer it. but i would have worn that even if i spoke english, lol. it's just that people might think i got fined. so at first the office was a bit quiet, coz no seemed to wanna talk to anyone IN FREAKIN ENGLISH of course. but i guess people got used to it, so as to those people i talk with and hear, they use mostly tag-lish words, which was more common, AND easier to use. arghh.. why do they have to make it hard for us to be comfortable working for them huh?
and so i posted on our yahoogroups (with a bunch of college friends) and told them about the freakin policy we got and this is probably the best thing that will make my day:
From IanP: I don't get why we need to learn to speak English. We don't get smarter just by learning English. Countries like Japan and Germany were successful because their people can communicate WITH EACH OTHER.
===
but i had fun too, yesterday. even though there was little work (i know i shouldn't be complaining, but don't worry coz i will complain too when more work comes) and my life was pretty much boring all the time, it was fun coz me, tonet and yagi were on a conference and were talkin about tonet's Planner 2007 plans. pretty perverted if you ask me. but what more can you expect? lol. it would weird to think otherwise.. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| yesterday i had lunch at around four, which is not good considering that i should have taken it at twelve in the first place, but had decided to skip it coz i really so wanted to finish the task my manager gave me. i know he did tell me that the due for it is today (saturday morning) but since i felt it was something he needed to see in a hurry, i did as soon as i could. no, i'm not trying to impress him. i am more of scared of him i guess. anywayzz...
i decided to skip lunch not just because of my work, but also i told myself yesterday that i'll eat when i'm hungry, otherwise, i'll continue (coz i'm soo lazy, go figure that out). so for lunch, i ordered rice in a box, in seafood flavor (i'm sorry but i don't know the exact name but i'm sure it's got seafood stuff on it). as i was eating, i was still looking at my work of course, trying to figure out how to work faster, as i am not that familiar with excel. a few minutes later i noticed that what i was eating was mostly mussels, aside from the rice of course. then i started counting how many mussels are there in my food. there were 10+ and 4 squid rings. now i'm not really sure if you can call it seafood at all, but i'm sure it was, coz my allergy kicked in and i had quite reddish lips before i went home.
on my way home i usually listen to a certain hiphop/RnB radio station. i don't usually like listening to the radio coz djs are overly talkative and i hate them (but not my fave djs at magic, lol). though i'm not really a fan, hiphop music keeps me awake, most especially when the bass goes thump thump. but yesterday was quite weird. yes my bass went thump thump-ing but the song was actually a love song! wait, you have to understand, most hiphop songs are about life, s**, and girls. i know they sing about love too, but not the deeper sense of it. gah! i don't know how else to say or explain it, but i felt weird after listening to a bunch of hiphop love songs. must be the month.. i'll tune back to that station once the month is over.
===================================================
anybody gonna argue when i say that i had the same seafood lunch again today? | | comments: Leave a comment |
| ok. so i must admit, i have been out of the circulation for quite sometime now. i miss old friends, i miss hanging out with them: food trips and lots and lots of sharing.
where was i all these time? i think i was just right here. for a while i thought it would be best that i be still. have time for myself; explore things i never could do (but have always done anyways, lol), make new friends and, segregate the old ones. there are certainly those people who left me without notice. there are some who i wish would. there are some who i just can't avoid but hey, i still don't talk to them either. i sometimes wish i could erase the past: forget those who have hurt me, forget those who i hate, start all over again from day one.
but no. life is not that easy. if it was, everybody would be their own gods. freaky.
==
I MISS FRIDAY NIGHTS!!
i miss having people around, gathered inside the chapel with the oddly yellowish lights and not to forget the background music.. you enter the chapel and you're supposed to get sleepy, but then people start coming in. one by one you start to greet them, ask how their day was. have a few laughs for a while, then someone stands in the middle and people quiet down. we're about to start...
*sigh* i wish i was back at dlsu. | | comments: 8 comments or Leave a comment |
| ..NOT! i just use them, but i hate configuring or doing any technical stuff with them. then again, i am but a paper weight at the office, lol.
FINALLY! my email access works and i just found out about it 3 minutes ago! so with that, here's a checklist of everything that i should have had for the past few days:
- my own table - i got one as soon as i got in the office monday morning. so it's definitely a CHECK
- my own computer - before, i was using someone else's computer, but who cares? heheh, then my boss gave me one.. CHECK
- access to the company's network (duh!) - this one i got after a few mishaps.. better than not having one! CHECK
- email access. - yey! i finally have one! CHECK
- company ID - err.. goodluck.
- proximity card - SHOULD HAVE HAD THIS ONE FROM DAY ONE! HELLO!! but no. no check on this one.
- access to the super duper secured folders, lol - hmm.. *evil grin* lol, i need access to do my work. CHECK
in my point of view, i should have gotten them all by the second DAY of work (coz the first day was orientation). but no, i get them on my second WEEK, duh! atleast i them... well some of them, right?
on the far side of my brain, i think something made a glitch.. hmm.. oh i remember! ate su, if you're reading this: I HAVENT TAKEN A BATH YET. tamad. tamad tamad talaga.. i am supposed to be studying but i'm too lazy to do it. i think i might as well fail it.
lastly, who here know's the basics of entertaining a visitor. i need a crash course on it and any kind of tip will be useful, i hope.
========================================================
sheesh.. Entertaining 101, like i would ever be rude, lol. | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| .. best line i've heard so far. mandy was sooooo great when she delivered those lines. i almost cried.. from laughing of course.
if mandy can fall in love and run away from it, then so can i! lol, i can't believe that i am comparing myself to a cartoon character. it's just weird that she'd be like that. but i like her just the way she is.. a VERY MEAN girl.
so my friend gave me a copy of 6 episodes of the latest CSI.. can't wait to get home and watch it. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| |
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