+ D i A R y _ o F _ A N d Ee +

hate the feeling of this

Sat, 29 Dec 2007 16:59:35 GMT

fcking emo!

i don't know. i just don't know. i can't keep answering to myself anymore. i know i am to blame for everything, but hell, you sure did have a part on this right?! two fcking days before new year... two fcking days from me wishing to have a NEW year.. but from what i'm seeing right now, it seems like the new year would still be the same old tiring one. same old tears, same old fears..

i love you.

now that's easy.

now try saying that to me infront of everyone else.. come on, you can do it..

fck. why can't we be together? why can't you be mine? why, why can't you do this for me? why say i love you when, when you can't even be with me?

happy new year y'all!

>> crazyfckinggedik.

is it really?

Wed, 21 Jun 2006 05:00:16 GMT

you were right.. the more we are together, the more i couldn't bear to let you go. it grew on me, you grew on me. and i used to think that i would always feel the same: the same way i felt the first time i told you i love you.. but now it's different.

i thought that all the tears i have would eventually dry up. instead you kissed them all away. not in a gentle manner of course, but still. the fears i had, the troubles that bother me every single night.. thank you, and i feel the same way too. but i guess you already know that.

i must say, you really love making fun of me.. treating me like a 7 year old begging not to be made fun of.

=================================================
i cannot promise very much. i give you the images i know. we laugh and we touch. i promise you love. time will not take away that..

i hope

Fri, 09 Jun 2006 12:38:02 GMT

let me write this down, coz you're breaking me, tearing me apart, everyday, i just can't tell you for the fear that it might drive you away.

==========
i hope you're not blind..
so even if i'm hurt when i see you two together, you still get to see that there's only you in my life.
i hope you're not deaf..
so even if you don't hear me crying, you still get to hear how much i love you.
i hope you're not numb..
so even if you can't feel the pain i'm goin through, you still get to feel my hugs and my kisses.
i hope you're not all these.. coz i'm madly in love with you.
==========

i truly am. i'm goin through this hell everyday just to survive another day and be with you.

what's wrong with me?

Mon, 22 May 2006 14:05:11 GMT

..you are what's wrong with me... but you're also what's right, and what makes me feel complete and incomplete at the same time.

that's what you do to me. you make me go insane. feeling things things i'm not supposed to feel. supressing emotions i am supposed to show. accepting things that shouldn't be, being blind and forgetting everything i know.

i am a jealous person. i know that. i feel that. and i hate it.

cheapo

Sun, 23 Apr 2006 17:04:34 GMT

oh yes i am.

Smile... Tomorrow will be worse.

Sat, 15 Apr 2006 17:09:57 GMT

- nuf said -

pfft..

Fri, 14 Apr 2006 07:29:52 GMT

'Cause when there's you, I feel whole
And there's no better feeling in the world
But without you I'm alone
And I'd rather be in love with you

Turn out the lights now
To see is to believe
I just want you near me
I just want you here with me
And I'd give up everything only for you
It's the least that I could do

i cried for three hours just for you. i hated you so much that i had to forget having puffy eyes in the morning, and just cried till i fell asleep.

i know you hate it when i say that it's my fault these all happened. it really is. i just don't know where to place myself i guess. we both wanted it, but i couldn't act upon it. scared that people might notice. if we were on a different situation i would have been proud to do it. but we're not, and i just don't know how i can be when you're around.

i want you.

how many times do you have to hear that? i know, me wanting you wouldn't make things easier for us. and saying it wouldn't really make things happen not unless we make it happen.

but you asking me to forget about everything is unfair. we both know we couldn't. and then we start hating each other more. is this the best we can do, just to forget about each other, and everything between us? NOT THE BEST SOLUTION coming from you. and i am not accepting it.

i still want you. and i don't want to get over the feeling of wanting you.

STILL dealing with it

Wed, 12 Apr 2006 12:57:00 GMT

.. that night i've decided to make the sacrifice: ask for us not to talk. if it was the only solution we have, if it would make things better, if it would give us peace. as much as it would be hard for me, i knew that soon it would be me who's gonna cry anyways, so why not make it sooner, right?

i was ready to give up. but i got the feeling that i was not permitted to. yes, it would have to be the both of us to deal with this fcking issue. no, i don't wanna sound like it's a one sided issue; i just thought that the decision was better for the both of us. consequences will affect us both, but i am being selfish here, so the heartache's all mine. ALL MINE. i've got reasons, all are well accepted.. by me of course.

funny.. coz now i'm just dealing with being afraid: afraid to make the next move. had i known this would happen, i would have laughed so hard that i'd cry. i would have cherished that, and appreciate the fact that i can laugh about it, coz i can't do it now.

===============================================================
smiles and tears... just for you.

dealing with it

Tue, 11 Apr 2006 12:26:49 GMT

last night was different. i know i was that stupid. i'm glad that you took my word for it. if i wanted to hear those words only to flatter myself, saying it to myself would be enough. but it didn't. they didn't. over and over again i've told you: i am THAT stupid, and reading between the lines were never my forte, as i've been told that i am insensitive once, and i just had to accept it.

so there, you finally say it straight to my face. well not technically, but the words were all there. did it have any effect on my ego? naah. but it sure did make me smile, as i was almost crying coz i couldn't bear what i was about to say next.

(to be continued...)

THE TRUTH

Wed, 05 Apr 2006 15:12:41 GMT

it was finally revealed. and god i wish i never asked for it.

she was wrong.

i was able to handle it. i didn't laugh, like the way she expected me to. i was quite serious about it, coz i know it will affect our relationship. and i thought i handled it well.

i actually did.

but it was her who didn't; in some sort of freakish way.. it ended up with me losing. well i did feel like i lost!

then again, things today are quite... i dunno. mixed emotions huh, it's exactly what i'm having right now

I JUST WISH THINGS WERE BACK TO NORMAL.. THE WAY WE WERE BEFORE.

nothing left..

Sun, 02 Apr 2006 04:57:02 GMT

weird.
i've been working for this company for what, 2 months now... luckily i've met a few dozen people, and gained a number of friends..

BUT YOU ARE DIFFERENT.

not so different for me, but different when compared to others. certainly i've met a few before, who were just like you. maybe that's what makes you different from the people i met here. considering that i knew about this the first time we met. freaky huh? well it's sad for me, just so you know. coz the feelings i've been avoiding for the longest time.. the feelings that kept coming back to me over and over again.. the feelings that i wish i could never had.. and the feelings i thought i've forgotten.. THEY ALL CAME BACK.

was i wrong to say no and turn away from it all? yet i thought it was the best decision i've ever made.

so i told you everything. well not everything, but i'm pretty sure you got the rest of it. i'm happy that i did. it made me feel more comfortable i guess. but it also made me doubt myself.

was i really telling you the whole truth? or did i only tell you the things i wanted you to hear? things that I WANTED TO HEAR..

now i'm not really sure.

i just wish i never thought about it the day i first met you. i wish i never told her about you. coz you asking me all these questions, made me think of things i never wanted to deal with in the first place.

we're still friends, aren't we?
======================================================================================

i lost myself, the day that i found you; but now i found me, i lost you..

i think i don't want you anymore..

Sun, 12 Mar 2006 13:49:21 GMT

i've been off for quite a few days now. haven't talked to that much friends, aside from the people i work with of course. i dunno what's up with me, maybe it's one of those, i just wanna do this and please don't question me why things.. i hate the feeling.

it's amazing that people can tell me what i want and be right about it. i know it should be freaky.. well it is, but i'm having more fun thinking that i should be the one knowing it, not them. it's not that i don't wanna admit it, it's just that maybe i forgot, lol. and there's this other girl who can understand what i'm saying (and not saying) even if i don't elaborate.. now that's scary! as much as i'd hate to admit it, she's got most of them right.

it seems that i don't wanna write anymore. maybe it's just a phase.. or laziness.. or whatever.

if i am alone.

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 12:01:07 GMT

if i ask you to try,
and teach me how to fly..
on my own
will you teach me?

if i ask you to see,
while i'm flying so free..
on my own
will you see me cry?

if i ask you to know,
why i'm feeling so low..
on my own
will you help me believe?

if i ask you to grieve,
while you're making me leave..
on my own
will i see your sorrow?

=================================================
been writing this for quite sometime now, it actually made no sense to me at all when i wrote the first few lines. the important things is, i had fun doing this, coz of the pattern i used. it may not be obvious, but it sure is rhyming!

non sense.. just pure non sense.

what a day. what a day to start the week: came in late at work. had lunch in time BUT went back to the office late, waaay too late. beat that! then again, the important thing is, i had fun. and the boss wasn't here when we came back(second most important), lol.

and that's where my story ends. -nuff sed-

a slap from reality

Sat, 11 Feb 2006 15:37:07 GMT

.. hurts like, like you wanna cry and scream and get mad at everything and anything that comes right in front of you.

so the truth finally got me. the thing that i've denied for the longest time came right at my face and there was no turning back. the only thing i could say was "ok, so i believe you this time.." but deep inside me i was screaming like hell. but of course i could never let it out. it was too complicated. i am complicating it. coz i wasn't supposed to be affected like this in the first place. or again, i may be in denial for reasons i don't wanna think about.

times like this make me wonder on why i don't wanna be with someone. do i really wanna be alone? will i be happy just like everyone else? why is it that the people i like, are always happy with someone else? am i being too dramatic over here?!

naah.

i'm just being the same old andie who's always thinking about things i shouldn't think of. i'm happy being single. i really am. but there are times that i just couldn't avoid thinking that it would be better if i was with this person, or that other person, or the other one.. i mean, who doesn't think that way huh?! but this time, i am not, and will not say that that person will be more happy being with me. coz i know that it's not true. what we have right now, is all we'll ever have probably for the rest of our lives. and i should be thankful for that! but i already am thankful.

just bitter.
but i'll get over this. i always have.

damn that policy!

Tue, 07 Feb 2006 01:05:57 GMT

haha. yesterday, the English Policy was launched and i feel so unfortunate to be in this office right now. well, unfortunate to be in the morning shift i guess. it was so freakin ugly that almost everyone i knew would sneak up to each other just to talk. so much for paying the fine, but you also get to wear 'dunce' hats, as to what tonet would refer it. but i would have worn that even if i spoke english, lol. it's just that people might think i got fined. so at first the office was a bit quiet, coz no seemed to wanna talk to anyone IN FREAKIN ENGLISH of course. but i guess people got used to it, so as to those people i talk with and hear, they use mostly tag-lish words, which was more common, AND easier to use. arghh.. why do they have to make it hard for us to be comfortable working for them huh?

and so i posted on our yahoogroups (with a bunch of college friends) and told them about the freakin policy we got and this is probably the best thing that will make my day:

From IanP: I don't get why we need to learn to speak English. We don't get smarter just by learning English. Countries like Japan and Germany were successful because their people can communicate WITH EACH OTHER.

===
but i had fun too, yesterday. even though there was little work (i know i shouldn't be complaining, but don't worry coz i will complain too when more work comes) and my life was pretty much boring all the time, it was fun coz me, tonet and yagi were on a conference and were talkin about tonet's Planner 2007 plans. pretty perverted if you ask me. but what more can you expect? lol. it would weird to think otherwise..

of mussels and not so mushy love songs..

Fri, 03 Feb 2006 22:04:34 GMT

yesterday i had lunch at around four, which is not good considering that i should have taken it at twelve in the first place, but had decided to skip it coz i really so wanted to finish the task my manager gave me. i know he did tell me that the due for it is today (saturday morning) but since i felt it was something he needed to see in a hurry, i did as soon as i could. no, i'm not trying to impress him. i am more of scared of him i guess. anywayzz...

i decided to skip lunch not just because of my work, but also i told myself yesterday that i'll eat when i'm hungry, otherwise, i'll continue (coz i'm soo lazy, go figure that out). so for lunch, i ordered rice in a box, in seafood flavor (i'm sorry but i don't know the exact name but i'm sure it's got seafood stuff on it). as i was eating, i was still looking at my work of course, trying to figure out how to work faster, as i am not that familiar with excel. a few minutes later i noticed that what i was eating was mostly mussels, aside from the rice of course. then i started counting how many mussels are there in my food. there were 10+ and 4 squid rings. now i'm not really sure if you can call it seafood at all, but i'm sure it was, coz my allergy kicked in and i had quite reddish lips before i went home.

on my way home i usually listen to a certain hiphop/RnB radio station. i don't usually like listening to the radio coz djs are overly talkative and i hate them (but not my fave djs at magic, lol). though i'm not really a fan, hiphop music keeps me awake, most especially when the bass goes thump thump. but yesterday was quite weird. yes my bass went thump thump-ing but the song was actually a love song! wait, you have to understand, most hiphop songs are about life, s**, and girls. i know they sing about love too, but not the deeper sense of it. gah! i don't know how else to say or explain it, but i felt weird after listening to a bunch of hiphop love songs. must be the month.. i'll tune back to that station once the month is over.

===================================================
anybody gonna argue when i say that i had the same seafood lunch again today?

revelations and realizations..

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 04:09:36 GMT

ok. so i must admit, i have been out of the circulation for quite sometime now. i miss old friends, i miss hanging out with them: food trips and lots and lots of sharing.

where was i all these time? i think i was just right here. for a while i thought it would be best that i be still. have time for myself; explore things i never could do (but have always done anyways, lol), make new friends and, segregate the old ones. there are certainly those people who left me without notice. there are some who i wish would. there are some who i just can't avoid but hey, i still don't talk to them either. i sometimes wish i could erase the past: forget those who have hurt me, forget those who i hate, start all over again from day one.

but no. life is not that easy. if it was, everybody would be their own gods. freaky.

==
I MISS FRIDAY NIGHTS!!
i miss having people around, gathered inside the chapel with the oddly yellowish lights and not to forget the background music.. you enter the chapel and you're supposed to get sleepy, but then people start coming in. one by one you start to greet them, ask how their day was. have a few laughs for a while, then someone stands in the middle and people quiet down. we're about to start...

*sigh* i wish i was back at dlsu.

i hate computers!

Sun, 29 Jan 2006 15:05:03 GMT

..NOT! i just use them, but i hate configuring or doing any technical stuff with them. then again, i am but a paper weight at the office, lol.

FINALLY! my email access works and i just found out about it 3 minutes ago! so with that, here's a checklist of everything that i should have had for the past few days:

- my own table - i got one as soon as i got in the office monday morning. so it's definitely a CHECK
- my own computer - before, i was using someone else's computer, but who cares? heheh, then my boss gave me one.. CHECK
- access to the company's network (duh!) - this one i got after a few mishaps.. better than not having one! CHECK
- email access. - yey! i finally have one! CHECK
- company ID - err.. goodluck.
- proximity card - SHOULD HAVE HAD THIS ONE FROM DAY ONE! HELLO!! but no. no check on this one.
- access to the super duper secured folders, lol - hmm.. *evil grin* lol, i need access to do my work. CHECK

in my point of view, i should have gotten them all by the second DAY of work (coz the first day was orientation). but no, i get them on my second WEEK, duh! atleast i them... well some of them, right?

on the far side of my brain, i think something made a glitch.. hmm.. oh i remember! ate su, if you're reading this: I HAVENT TAKEN A BATH YET. tamad. tamad tamad talaga.. i am supposed to be studying but i'm too lazy to do it. i think i might as well fail it.

lastly, who here know's the basics of entertaining a visitor. i need a crash course on it and any kind of tip will be useful, i hope.

========================================================
sheesh.. Entertaining 101, like i would ever be rude, lol.

Romance, it's for the weak-minded.

Wed, 25 Jan 2006 19:16:54 GMT

.. best line i've heard so far. mandy was sooooo great when she delivered those lines. i almost cried.. from laughing of course.

if mandy can fall in love and run away from it, then so can i! lol, i can't believe that i am comparing myself to a cartoon character. it's just weird that she'd be like that. but i like her just the way she is.. a VERY MEAN girl.

so my friend gave me a copy of 6 episodes of the latest CSI.. can't wait to get home and watch it.

update..

Sun, 22 Jan 2006 02:52:23 GMT

hehehe.. certainly one of my topak days..

yesterday on my way home i had my radio on (in full volume) but i noticed i was singing a totally different song than to what was currently being played. i can't really remember the title, but one line caught my attention: ..THIS LOVE IS MY OXYGEN.. YOUR LOVE IS MY OXYGEN.. it is such a wonderful song, it really made my night. of course i was happy like a kid again as i was eating ice cream earlier that night, but this song topped it, no questions asked.

ok, so tomorrow's a new day, and it might be a new life, i guess lol. bleh, who knows? coz i certainly don't know. wth?! hehehe.. been exchanging texts with jolin these past few days and it's been fun.. i gotta thank you loca for the smiles, and i'll be keeping my fingers crossed till tuesday just for you.

and lastly, well i've decided to make a pun out of my diary/planner. but since this today is still included in the "mini-prostitution week" i've decided to skip that out, and you'll just have to wait for tomorrow.. or the next time i write again, hehehe..

[edit]

another bird died today. i once told about the cage in front of my window.. there used to be 3 of them inside: the green one, the yellow one, and the one with the orange head (whom i refer to as otti which is short for autistic). as always, there are two birds playing, and the yellow one would always be inside the box (or the room, or whatever you call it). but yesterday my sister told me that while she was feeding them, she noticed that the yellow one never came out. then this morning my dad told us that he checked the box, and saw that the yellow one was of course, dead.

===========================================================
i want a new cellphone.. but i don't know what kind.. probably the one that rings when i get a call, that beeps when i get a message, that bugs me when it's time to wake up, and can capture good images..

kung may tiyaga, may nilaga..

Thu, 19 Jan 2006 04:57:20 GMT

so where the hell is my nilaga?! am i not patient enough? hmmm..

i'm supposed to leave the house in 30 minutes. but i haven't taken a bath yet. yeah, that's me, i like rushing though i hate being late. anyways, i came here to tell y'all that LOVE CONQUERS ALL. funny. that was the first thought in my head when i woke up. well that, and of course, who was the person texting me early in the morning, lol.

no, i still got no plans of getting married. and i definitely am not with anyone right now. i just felt like saying it. i feel like, having heard of it makes sense, though i'm not sure how or what or why, but it does. arghh enough sh*t... i don't really make sense at all.

luv ya guys!

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i haven't been writing much poetry lately.. maybe that's the reason my head's in too much you know, lol

catching up..

Wed, 18 Jan 2006 00:58:08 GMT

yesterday i realized something important.. for me, of course.

i realized that i appreciate it when friends (or other people) call or refer to me as sweetie. i dunno. some might consider it as a bit mushy, or whatever, but for me, it makes me feel loved, hehehe. it's kinda weird coz i felt like smiling all night, and i was trying hard to figure out why i felt that way. i mean, the day didn't really end well, and there are a lot of things in my mind, but i still had the guts to smile. when i got home, i went through my text messages (to erase stuff i didn't erase while i was driving earlier) and saw one that came from a friend i was talking to almost the whole afternoon. and there it was, the reason why i felt so good about myself.

just one word. and it made my day.

funny is..

Mon, 16 Jan 2006 04:54:44 GMT

since the bird incident, i've been scared of birds. i'm scared that one day, a bird just might drop dead in front of me. dammit i don't want that to happen. i certainly can't think of what i would do..

what's funnier is (is there such word?), right outside my bedroom window is the birdcage, and times like this when i'm using the computer, i have my curtains pulled aside and i can clearly see the birds, and other birds who drop by right infront of me. and i'm waiting for them to drop dead, lol.

i am seriously damaged in the brain..

December of 2005

Tue, 03 Jan 2006 04:09:24 GMT

lemme see.. i haven't posted that much. my continuous ranting only ended up in loose papers and old journals. a week before christmas i was grumpy. christmas week i was less grumpy, but still grumpy (if you know what i mean). week after christmas i was grumpy-ER. and now, well let's just say that some people believe that what you do on the first day of the year, you'll end up doing the whole year: omg, i'm gonna be grumpy all year.

am i getting too old? i'm starting to think that i am.. i hate having parties, going to parties, and having people over. but we all know that we've got lots of them come december. come to think of it, i hate so many things that maybe, just maybe, those are the reasons why i didn't enjoy christmas too much. i hate goin to the province coz my parents always, i mean ALWAYS have a fight right after we get back. and it's always my mom's fault. i hate it that we spend christmas at hotels, coz we don't really celebrate there, we just stay there. but i have to consider that it's for my dad's work, but still. i hate it when you have family reunions, and you say it's potluck, then you bring your whole family over without even bring something to share.. not even your own spoons and forks. i hate people who invite other people over at our family reunion.. and they are not even related to us. i hate people who are always expecting. i hate people who give empty promises. i hate myself for hating all these.

but amidst all these hatered i felt, like i said before, good thing ima bit materialistic and gifts really did make it worthwhile, lol. and yeah, one of the best things that happend was exchanging gifts with my sisters, and opening all our gifts together, which we did on the 29th coz we couldn't wait till the 31st. we even traded gifts, beat that!

===============================================================
this time i got lots of fishies from sharon, and my dream house now includes an aquarium of some sort where i can put all my fishy items. i got myself lots of wonderful gifts, but nothing beats the gifts i bought myself, lol.

'tis the season to be jolly..

Thu, 29 Dec 2005 10:33:56 GMT

did i get the words right? hmm..

naah.. christmas is good, but for me, it always is the same ol' crappy day like nothing special is ever gonna happen. good thing i got from it? the 10-inch Wonder Woman action figure i got from my sisters, lol.

see yah next year!!